Respectful parenting has simplified my life as a parent and secured a strong bond with my son. I credit this fundamental philosophy for every achievement I have celebrated thus far and more importantly, for a thriving little boy!
Respectful parenting [RIE] is a philosophy, founded by Magda Gerber, with emphasis on respect for the child from birth. This requires seeing a child as a capable individual with great awareness and asking the parent to be a confident and empathetic leader.
This is not a parenting style, it is a way of life. It is universal in its application and holds benefits for any family. Stick around and learn how you can simplify your life and bring about peace in your home by becoming a respectful parent.
8 Ways to practice Respectful Parenting (and how it will make your life easier)
I think we can all agree that being respected feels good and that we want to raise respectful children. But did you know that raising respectful children means showing them what it feels like to be respected? Humans learn to do what they see and experience – not what they are told to do.
Respect might also seem like a catch-all phrase and you might be wondering what respecting your child looks like. To illustrate the RIE philosophy better I have condensed it down to a few foundational principles.
#1 Spend quality time together by practicing care giving activities
How does this simplify your life?
Children who spend adequate quality time with their parent/caregiver are less needy, clingy, and require less attention when playing or doing other activities. This means you are more likely to get other tasks done while your child plays on their own.
Believe it or not, when you are changing your baby’s diaper or giving your toddler a bath, you are spending quality time with them – from their perspective. This is the ideal time to slow down and give them your undivided attention. Make them a part of the process by telling them what you are doing and what you are planning to do next. We are showing the children respect by informing them about anything that will be done to them.
It might sound something like, ‘I’m going to change your diaper now, are you ready? Here comes the wipe. This might feel a bit cold.”
The entire time we are observing and communicating. We make sure we are not distracted by our phones or another person. Children who are shown this level of care and attention are usually happy to spend extended periods of time playing on their own – even as babies. Their emotional cup has been filled.
We are also not trying to keep our baby/toddler distracted while we change them. We want to encourage them to take part and to cooperate. By hanging toys above the changing table or handing them something to occupy themselves with, we are letting them know that we do not wish to communicate or connect with them.
Magda Gerber also referred to caregiving activities as ‘Want for something time’ as opposed to ‘Want for nothing time’ which is time spent just watching your baby play. Being present and available while not interfering or ‘playing with them’. Both of these situations are enjoyed by young children and give them the sense that they are important, loved, and acknowledged.
If you consider how much of our days are spent doing caregiving activities, especially with babies and very young toddlers, you can just imagine how this principle alone can compound and affect a child’s emotional well-being. We all desire to feel seen and heard and do know we belong.
#2 Allow them control of their own bodies
How does this simplify your life?
- No power struggles at the dinner table.
- More sleep for you!
- Uneventful toilet learning process.
I think the most struggles we face as parents of young children, usually revolve around eating, sleeping, and toilet learning. This is because these are touchy subjects for any human being.
The first thing we have to acknowledge and accept is that you can’t force someone to eat, sleep or have a bodily function. It simply is not up to you. You can only play a supporting role.
When it comes to eating, we show our children respect by trusting them to know when they are hungry and when they’ve had enough. By trusting them in this area, we are also allowing them to learn to listen to their bodies. If we keep insisting that they must be hungry when they are refusing we food we give them the impression that they shouldn’t trust what they are feeling.
When it comes to sleeping, we have to recognize when our baby is tired and give them the opportunity and supportive environment to fall asleep. We want to allow them to learn how to fall asleep in the most natural way possible. This means not bouncing or swinging them to sleep. They can’t replicate this on their own and might eventually become reliant on the bouncing and will require it every time they need to sleep.
The goal is for your child to learn how to fall asleep unaided so they can have fitful rest and a healthy relationship with sleep for the rest of their lives.
When it comes to toilet learning, we show our children respect by trusting their process and allowing them to take the first steps. We can provide the right equipment and set the scene but we are only there to support them on their journey. The less we interfere, the smoother the process.
We help our children learn these vital skills in life with the same dignity and respect you would show your beloved elderly family member. You might enjoy reading this post on how to introduce your baby to eating and ensure they form a healthy relationship with food
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#3 Offer them a choice
How does this simplify your life?
A child who has been given ample opportunity to exercise their will is less likely to act out.
Ask yourself, how happy you would feel if you were not allowed to make any decisions about what you do on a daily basis. Would you feel angry, hopeless, or frustrated? Needless to say, we can avoid a world of problems by giving our children age-appropriate choices that make them feel considered and give them a chance to exercise their will.
Because you are the parent, it is your responsibility to make sure the options are appropriate and limited to 2 or 3. We can lay out two outfits and give them the choice between the two. We can offer them the choice between an apple or banana at snack time.
Be careful not to give your child false options like, ‘Do you want to come with me to the shop?’ or ‘Do you want to take a bath?’ Do they really have a choice?
We are also being mindful of our child’s age and not overwhelming them with choices. Even open-ended questions are too wide, like ‘What would you like to eat?’ Instead, give them two options that you have pre-approved.
#4 Communicate like a CEO
How does this simplify your life?
- Fewer misunderstandings
- Less frustration for you and your child
- When children have direct and clear communication they feel less inclined to keep pushing boundaries to get clear on an answer.
- Less whining or nagging behavior (caused by feeling unsure or insecure).
We all know how important communication is but did you know that it starts at birth? The RIE philosophy encourages parents to start communicating with their newborn babies about everything that involves the baby. Starting early is great practice for when your baby starts speaking back.
Respectful communication is honest, first-person communication. Instead of saying ‘Mommy would like Tommy to sit in his chair now” you would rather say “Tommy, I want you to sit in your chair please’.
We should speak to our children in our normal voices using the correct language. When our baby makes cooing sounds, we can respond to that by acknowledging what they might be trying to say to us. We don’t imitate them. They are trying to learn how to speak and are telling you something so imitation is not a connected response.
When we speak to children, we should always start by acknowledging their feelings. Especially when they are clearly upset. We show acceptance by not discouraging them to share how they feel by saying things like, ‘Don’t cry or ‘It’s okay” when it clearly isn’t.
Honest communication also means not sugar-coating events that we sense might be unpleasant, like a trip to the doctor’s office. Instead of talking it up (Oh, you are going to have so much fun at the doctor’s office today), you can be honest by letting your child know what you know without imagining or creating scenarios. When you do this, you are building trust with your child.
Respectful parents also pay attention to their tone and try to sound confident when they communicate directions or limits. You do this by not having a question mark at the end of your sentences.
#5 Set clear, consistant boundaries
How does this simplify your life?
- Less drama
- No power struggles
- No yelling out of frustration
- No begging, or bargaining
- A happy child who can push limits in a safe and healthy way without becoming caught up in negative attention spirals.
The best analogy I’ve ever heard for why boundaries are so important is this. Boundaries are like railings on either side of a narrow bridge over a cliff. Picture yourself in a car, having to cross the bridge in the dark knowing there are NO RAILINGS!
This is how children feel when the boundaries are not clear or absent altogether. Being permissive is being unkind, maybe even cruel.
Now imagine having to cross the bridge knowing there are railings that will keep you from plummeting to your death. What a relief!
When children know exactly what is expected of them and where the limits are, they can relax and focus on learning and having fun. When we set these boundaries and limits early (before you become agitated), clear (no question marks) and with confidence (no anger, no judgment) – children feel like they have railings in place. Even if they show their disapproval – they are relieved.
When we follow this process consistently, our children learn that they can trust us because we are in control. I have written more about ground rules and setting limits here.
#6 Welcome all their feelings
How does this simplify your life?
In short, the more opportunities a child has to express and let go of difficult feelings, the less they have to do it because it doesn’t build up. They can also move through the process of the meltdown faster because they are supported. Eventually, all this practice also pays off when they get older because they can identify and process their own emotions. How many adults do you know that still struggle with this?
Most of us feel triggered by other people’s emotions. We would rather distract our children from feeling what they are feeling than acknowledge it. We also want to avoid dealing with any crying, so we become scared of upsetting them.
Expressing emotion is part of life and it’s healthy for children to learn that their feelings come and go. They are also still learning how to regulate their emotions and it helps when they have parents who act comfortable with any ‘scary’ emotion they are experiencing.
Letting it all out is also a healthy way to decompress. This is how children blow off steam so their nervous systems can return to a calm state.
Our role is simply to be there, hold space for them, let them feel our presence and our calm demeanor. We are the rocks and they are the stormy seas. We are constant and consistent and we don’t push back.
#7 Ask for cooperation not obedience
How does this simplify your life?
This might seem harder at first but it will pay off in the long run and lead to a mutually respectful relationship.
No punishment, threats, or bribes are necessary (or encouraged) and are more damaging than anything else. No time-outs, ignoring and no spanking, ever. We also try our best not to put too much energy into praising (which is just another way of saying – do more of that to keep me happy!) and rewarding. None of these tactics encourage cooperation.
Contrary to popular belief, your child has a deep need to please you and desperately wants to be in favor of you. Helping them learn how to work with you and in so doing –
I have barely scratched the surface of this life-changing philosophy so if you want to learn more, here are my recommended reading list:
If you have a baby:
Elevating Childcare by Janet Lansbury
Your Self-Confident Baby by Magda Gerber
How To Raise A Montessori Baby (my post)
If you have a toddler:
My favorite podcast is (also by Janet Lansbury) Unruffled – this helps tremendously with understanding the tone and mindset of this approach.
You can do this!