Montessori Ground rules are not exclusive to the classroom. I have decided to take these rules and use them as a springboard to write my own ground rules for my home. I would love to help you do the same.
The Basic Montessori Ground Rules are:
- Go Slow
- Be Gentle
- Use Your Words
These three simple rules are more powerful than they look. They will help you establish order in your home and set your children up for success by letting them know what is expected of them without constantly having to say no. How does that sound?
3 Montessori Ground Rules You Shouldn’t Live Without
Go Slow
This rule is used in a Montessori classroom to remind children not to run indoors and to move carefully through the classroom.
Asking a child to go slow is more about introducing them to a slower pace of life than just asking them not to run in the house. Going slow means being mindful and present. Going slow means being safe. We have fewer accidents when we navigate through our lives with more mindfulness. Going slow when crossing the road gives us enough time to look both ways. Going slow when we eat is healthier and less messy.
Going slow is a mindset and one that your children will adopt from you so make sure you lead by example. Children are very exuberant but don’t confuse this for hurriedness. They pick that up from us.
ADULTS: ‘Hurry up! Let’s go!’
CHILDREN: (slowly examining the crack in the sidewalk)
Be Gentle
Montessori teachers ask students to be gentle with the materials as well as with their friends.
Being gentle is an attitude we have towards others. It means being kind and respectful.
When we are gentle with our friends it means we are less likely to hurt them. We respect their boundaries and we don’t interrupt them while they are busy playing with a toy.
When we are gentle with our toys we look after them and care for them. We don’t break them or leave them outside in the rain.
Use Your Words
Essentially what this means is to encourage your child to use effective communication as a problem-solving tool. This is less about reminding them to use their words and more about helping them build the skill of effective communication with others. This will be an ongoing process and requires us to change how we speak to our children so we can model how we would like them to speak to us and each other.
Using your words reminds children that people can’t read their minds. They need to let someone know what they are thinking and feeling after they have identified what it is that they are feeling.
Using your words leads to better conflict resolution and helps avoid unnecessary misunderstandings. You can get creative and use some role play or stories to illustrate this better.
Using your words can potentially lead to less physical anger since we have allowed the child to air their grievances.
*I would rephrase this in my house simply as ‘Always communicate’ because I don’t like the phrase Use Your Words. I would never tell an adult to use their words because it sounds a bit patronizing so I wouldn’t say it to a child either.
What other Montessori classroom rules can I use in my home?
- Have a place for everything and put everything in its place
Having a place for everything makes it so much easier to tidy up especially for a child. It also sounds more upbeat to say compared to tidy up.
- Always complete the task
This is more of a routine than a rule and a routine that will require you to model how it’s done. When you take something off the shelf – you have to return it.
- Have designated areas for specific activities
Having a fixed area for reading, doing crafts, or playing ball will dramatically reduce the amount of chaos as well as the number of rules and limits. For example, when we set up a crafts table we are limiting the glue and glitter to one area. The rule is then to only do crafts at the crafts table. Children like order, believe it or not, and having a designated area for reading and playing and drawing, etc. helps them too.
Do Rules vs Don’t Rules
Have a shorter list of things you want your child to do rather than a long list of things you don’t want them to do. When you are constantly thinking of what you shouldn’t do you are inevitably in a negative frame of mind. Thinking about what you should do however is completely the opposite.
When you let a child know what you want them to do they can create an image in their minds of what it would look like. So if you say I want you to put the books away – they will create a visual of themselves putting away the books.
Similarly, if you say don’t throw the ball in the house – they will still create an image of themselves throwing the ball in the house. Just like when someone asks you to think of anything except a pink elephant. If we tell them what we don’t want them to do we are also in some way telling them that we expect the worst of them.
What is the difference between rules and limits?
There is a difference between rules and limits. Ground rules or house rules are rules that you can have embroidered or framed. There are probably less than ten and they hardly ever change. Rules usually relate to moral values like the three Montessori ground rules Go Slow, Be Gentle, and Use Your Words.
Limits on the other hand arise out of the present moment. They are more specific and need to be dealt with immediately. This could be anything from your child grabbing your glass out of your hand or wanting to play with your phone. It’s a situation that requires you to say no right now.
How to successfully set limits?
We are all aware of the fact that we have limits but we are not always confident about communicating them to others and that includes our children.
#1 Be Kind
It’s best to get on the child’s level and to tell them what you want or do not want them to do in a kind but firm way. Children already see us as these mighty giants towering over them so it’s best to present yourself as less scary. No one responds well to someone shouting at them anyway. You want to deliver your message to someone ready and willing to listen to you.
Try to keep any emotion out of your voice. You are not rattled by the situation and neither are you uncertain. There is no question mark at the end of your statement. There are also no hard feelings, you are not annoyed and you are not angry. You are simply letting them know where you stand.
#2 Be clear about your expectations
If you find yourself angry or annoyed by the time you try to set a limit – you have waited too long to set the limit. It means you have already allowed your child to do several things that annoy you without telling them that you didn’t want them to do it in the first place.
Children need to know what we expect of them in advance. They feel safe knowing where the boundaries are. If it feels like they are pushing your buttons – please know that they are not doing it to annoy you – they are asking you to set a clear limit.
Kids should have no doubts about what the rules are. Sometimes when we are trying to be nice, we can come across as unsure of ourselves or vague about our expectations. When we are perceived as permissive or act unsure we make our children feel unsafe. They want to know that their parent is in charge and that they do not need to shoulder the responsibility that comes with having power.
Imagine having a boss who gives you vague orders with a questioning tone and then after the fact shout at you for not doing what they asked for. I wouldn’t have any respect for my boss if I was treated that way, would you? I would feel extremely frustrated with the situation. This is what a child feels like when we are not firm and clear on our expectations of them.
Here’s an example of a vague and a clear limit.
Vague/Unsure: Can you please try not to push the button?
Clear & confident: I don’t want you to push that button.
#3 Practice unconditional love
When you resort to threats and manipulations with your child you are doing the relationship no favors. I can get anyone to do anything while holding a gun to their heads but I can bet you we will not be friends long after.
The goal should be to get your child’s cooperation. You want to raise a child who wants to cooperate. You can’t force them to cooperate. It’s only through communication and showing unconditional love and respect that we can hope to achieve this goal.
#4 Be calm
If you are feeling angry or annoyed you need to take some steps to calm down before addressing your child. If you couldn’t control your own emotions and you end up shouting or scolding your child – it is vital to apologize and ask for their forgiveness. Remember that you are not modeling perfection. You are modeling how to be a human being who tries his/her best, makes mistakes, and apologizes.
#5 Be realistic about your expectations
We need to have realistic expectations of what our children are capable of doing and understanding. When our child’s behavior is not to our liking we need to try and figure out why they are acting that way. This will help you deal better with the situation.
A child’s brain is still developing. The prefrontal cortex, where emotions are being regulated, is still under construction. This is why a toddler has a meltdown. It is not a rational decision that they are making. They need your help in this situation. They don’t need a lecture.
Children also have a hard time being their best selves when they are tired and hungry so keep this in mind when you are out shopping and you see your child’s behavior is starting to take a turn for the worst. Maybe a quick snack will do more good than trying to set a limit.
#6 Be consistent & follow through
You have to present yourself as a strong leader. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you have said that you don’t want the plate to be pushed off the table and you see that your child has a hard time complying, then you need to prevent them from pushing the plate off the table. You can say something like ‘I see you are having a hard time keeping the plate on the table. I’m going to help you.’
#7 Acknowledge and accept all feelings
When you set limits your child will inevitably not be happy with the restriction. This is normal and to be expected. Children should be allowed to tell us that they are not happy and we need to welcome their feelings without judgment.
Children need our help to identify and understand their feelings. Your job is not to control or fix their feelings. Saying what you see helps them learn by connecting the feeling with the word. When your child starts crying because you took the glass out of their hands you should acknowledge their unhappiness by saying something [with empathy] like:
‘I see you are so upset because I took the glass from you. You wanted to play with it. I don’t want you to play with the glass. It’s not safe.”
When we acknowledge and accept all emotions we are modeling empathy and compassion.
#8 Make room for questions
I’m sure you don’t want to raise a robot or an obedient dog. You want to raise a child who can think for themselves and make their own decisions. How will they get good at reasoning if they are never allowed to question?
What is freedom within limits in Montessori?
Freedom within limits is a very important Montessori concept that means children should be allowed freedom of movement and choice while being safe within the construct of boundaries or rules.
When children know what the rules are they can focus on more important things like learning and creating. When children are unsure of the rules, they feel a sense of unease which makes it difficult to explore and concentrate.
In the words of Janet Lansbury – ‘We can do this!’
